Monday, 3 March 2008

Monday 3rd March 08

Not a good start to the day, the usual Monday morning playing up followed by huge angry outbursts which we found really difficult to deal with. He wouldn't go to school so we phoned around trying to get some help. Parenting is so difficult, at the moment I wouldn't reccommend it to anyone.

We are trying to be good parents and set boundaries and give a mix of advice, praise, instruction, love, understanding etc but children are individuals in their own right, they cannot be controlled or moulded like plasticine into what you want them to be. We try to be good role models and are attending a class in order to try to become better parents. However, many people find parenting difficult, not because they are bad parents, but because their child hasn't yet learnt how to fit in and behave appropriately. Children also get messages about their 'rights' and have learned that it is OK to answer back and express themselves. As physical punishment is no longer an option, they feel free to disobey as there are no punishments we know of which seem to make any difference, and anyway, we don't enjoy punishing our children, or want to do this.

I was brought up with a 'rod of iron', a very strict regime, which included being smacked, spanked, caned and given lines to write when I started to hit back. I certainly knew what I could and couldn't do, and should and shouldn't do, and maybe this is why I have a strong moral code that I live by, a sense of right and wrong. I am having to go against my own upbringing by trying to be more relaxed and less authoritarian, I don't want to treat my children like I was treated. However, this is far from easy, and my children might have inherited some of my 'free spirit' (that's a polite way of saying I was difficult to live with when I was younger!) which, of course is not their fault or mine. I hope they have inherited some of Gill's placid, easygoing attitude as well. She is a good influence on all of us.

Gill took the boys into school before lunch, better late than never.

I had a very low day, feeling inadequate and like giving up. I had a bath and did more fruit, sort of on autopilot. After lunch I went into the garden and attacked brambles and hedge and got the chainsaw out to deal with an enormous log from Heslington.

In the evening I went to the LETS meeting at The Seahorse Hotel, still feeling low, but I was cheered up by Ann, and then David came, and Rakesh and Frances. Whilst we were in the middle of the meeting, a member of the public came in, as it's not a private room, and although he looked like he wanted to leave, we told him he could stay...

At the end of the meeting we got talking, he came to York a few years ago with a partner but now he's single, and I think I have a friend with Kevin. He was interested in my dried fruit experiments and may visit. We talked til after 11, after all the LETS people had gone home...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello John,
I am so sorry you are going through a difficult stage with parenthood.
I have to say I disagree with you about "Parenting is so difficult, at the moment I wouldn't reccommend it to anyone...

I now have a 16 year old and 13year old and since they were young from the age of 2, we instilled our boundies and what is accepted and not! its important from an early age to do so...we dont agree on harsh punishment and hitting etc.
but there were ways we managed to talk ,explain etc.. to make them understand what acceptable and not!

Each child needs different understanding and advice on whats right and not,and handling anger and tantrums!

I can tell you, it doesnt get easier having teenagers and they need different understadning and advice and it can get frustrating and challenging! but having one partner too placid and the other one too strict.. is off! there has to be a balance and united underdstanding of whats accepatable and not from an early age! and standing united in front of the children when they are testing you!as kids sense the tension between parents and thier differences and play against it.its in their nature!

But I want to tell your readers its worth every bit of it having kids,I find mine to be so much joy,rewarding ,loving and fun,I can be thier best friend, but yet they know when I am a parent and know the boundries! its so much joy.. they are forgiving ,loving,caring and incredible little beings!~

Again i am sorry for your frustrations and hurt.

I wish you good wishes and hope you find a way of communicating with your kids and finding a balance, as there is no advice or magic word to help. But to just keep trying new things and dont give up.

A regular reader that cares