Friday, 21 March 2008

Friday 21st March 08

A good start to the day, after a comfortable night on the new mattress.
Lit both stoves as it was really cold, got some bathwater ready for Gilly.

The children were off school for the first day of the Easter Holidays and so I kept out of the way as far as possible after the first outburst. I am not coping very well with dealing with this behaviour, and by the end of the day I was feeling quite low because of being shouted at and disobeyed, and my reaction to this which can also be loud and sometimes physical. I do not respect myself for not being able to cope even though what we are going through is not the usual type of child behaviour.

It does not count that there is often an apology soon afterwards.... this is heartfelt and genuine, but it doesn't undo the feelings of hurt and hopelessness that I feel when it is happening and it certainly doesn't mean there won't be another angry outburst soon afterwards.

Hey ho, take one day at a time, try to control my desires to punish him for the disobedience, violence and destruction, try not to swear at him, try to disengage and walk away if possible, unless he's attacking Gill or the other child. Not easy to do. Being 'disengaged' is not my best quality, infact it's the exact opposite of my personality.

I did get out mid-morning to buy some bread... and in one of the rolls I bought, I found a nail, a metal one! I phoned the Environmental Health people at the council but they were on holiday so I put the breadroll in the freezer so I can take it to them next week.

I managed to get some stuff done in the evening, fruit-drying wise and washing up, but my computer wouldn't connect to the internet when I wanted to write my paid blog and this compounded my feelings of inability.

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